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June 20, 2004

invisible threads

community for me is an odd duck. when i get homesick, it is not for a place. there is an ethereal neighborhood, a nonexistent town, but real people inhabit it. those in my life that i love, that i’m intrigued by, that challenge me, that i can relate to, that i call family, that i call friends, that i call random good people i know or hope to know better - these are the denizens of my home. they’ve never all lived in the same place, not all have met, most have little inkling of the other, and all exist in their own community as well. when i am homesick, however, this is the community that i crave for - the assorted collection of eccentric folk i hold close - the town connected by miles upon miles, emails, letters, phone calls, blind luck, faith, and trust.

home sweet home is a strange sort of tao for me - it goes wherever i go, yet is never entirely there. i’m a boy of the present moment, mostly, but a boy who treasures past and future presents as much as the current one. too bad that a continually changing present (i.e. location) leads to a tough road to hold, leads to incredible highs and dangerous lows. it’s the trade off of balance, methinks.

nature strives for it at all times and in all places, balance. we are not free from the struggle. our moods swing reflexively based on the paths we trod, on our life choices. it’s freedom, for some, to maintain a balance of minimal ups and downs, comfort sans extreme. it’s wanderlust for others (choice or curse), a course of wild adventures and confusing slow-time, amazing experiences at all ends of the spectrum - good, bad, and in-between.

perhaps my understanding of the community i call out to, try to hold together in my experience of the world, perhaps that is my balance.

i have no place that i call home, but there are people whom i call home.

June 18, 2004

arbitrary bliss

we’re funny animals, humans, always running around redefining the shape and texture of the world to fit our liking. we invent what, ultimately, are arbitrary topics. topics whose existence we take as solid, but the march of change may someday prove otherwise. science, math, language - arbitrary concepts piled on top of simple basic truths that we are struggling to understand better (yet often confuse ourselves) by getting too attached to our own definitions….

June 05, 2004

what pictures are worth

it’s often expressed that pictures are worth a thousand words. right now, i disagree.

the last couple of weeks have filled my eyes with landscapes that cannot be captured in photographs, at least not by me. words, however, offer something that i can move, push, touch, alter, and understand. pictures can capture a moment, words a feeling.

and such a grand variety too:

driving over the plains, through the southwest, in the foothills of the rockies, past scrub brush and desert, past rock and cliff, i was left with a bizarre impression. i was moving through landscapes not familiar, through places that i have only ever known through pictures or in past (faded) memory. they existed as paintings and sculptures, as massive artistic projects brought forth by someone with a mind-numbing eye for detail.

the rock outcrop sticking up from the waving tan grasses was a mold, formed in the manner of the giant model train constructions i saw occasionally as a child. the metemorphic lines in a cliff face? an abstract painting i last viewed in a dark room during an art history lecture. the cattle on the distant grassland? small plastic figurines, placed carefully in a natural manner. trees edging the mountain tops at the treeline? glued together using small twigs and lichen. the sky shimmering over the desert? a massive canvas dripping in vibrant blues.

all of it construction, all of it art, none of it reality.

and it hasn’t changed yet.

i saw my first sequoia a couple of days ago as we hiked to our worksite. sitting on a mountainside at 7000 feet, catching my sea-level breath, i was astounded at the size of the tree i faced. it was all i could do to wrap my mind around its upper branches, soaring 200 feet above, or its trunk, some five or six feet wide. the tree easily dwarfed the largest i have ever seen previously, made the largest pines in minnesota look like twigs. what really took me for a loop, however, was that i was staring at a pine. the sequoia behind it was something alien, something different entirely.

orange, ochre, and red brushstrokes plied their way toward the sky, clammoring toward branches that began a hundred feet up, the top dwarfing the pine in front. the tree stood on its own, an open space surrounding if for tens of feet, leaving little to judge its width by. i walked down, to try to understand, and found that it was three times wider than i am tall. it was master of this forest, and it had withstood a burn that took others like it and smaller down - had reduced them to the dark silence of charcoal.

and this sequoia was a small one…

i’ve since seen larger ones, and seen pictures of sequoias nearly thirty feet in diameter. seen images, seen paintings, seen sculptures, but not yet reality.

my mind is still working over-time to understand this scale, the scope of these entities, their age (nearly 2000 years old or more), their simple existance. i don’t have anything to compare them to but art; words, paintings, and sculpture - which they are, of an infinitely perfect and overwhelming variety.

i’ve tried to take pictures, but i can’t do them justice. i’ve tried to write about them, but i feel i’m not even coming close to conveying what they are, what these mountains and forests carry or will allow me to see by the end of the summer.

it is that which exists in the same mysteries of love and friendship - the deep and abiding understanding beyond and above words - something far more simple and warm that our attempts to interperet it can match.

i’ve been blessed to know this warmth in many ways and many forms - it’s an easy feeling to forget though, to miss in the attempts to understand it in the forward reaches of our brains. it’s out there though, and i’m off to bask in it for a summer, for a lifetime.

abiding in the wilderness

the first step? toss out the cell phone. too expensive and poor in quality anyway, never in range of a signal, and overtly frustrating to use in conversation. after this afternoon it’s toast.

the second? avoid the drive to town as often as possible.

the third? breath deep the mountain air (try not to cough on the smog) and relish in the view.

the fourth? avoid the satelite tv your roomate hooked up and play guitar instead, but stay impressed at what six measly square feet of solar cells can provide power for.

the fifth? laugh at the fact that there is a house/shed to use as your kitchen/living room/bathroom/workshop and then go back to your tent to fall asleep.

the sixth? sparingly advocate the use of email and computers, launching instead into the grit and reality of letters and mail. besides, using the computer requires breaking the second step.




six easy steps for ‘wilderness’ living, as best as i can manage currently.

heh.




so the job has brought me into the realm of sequoia national park, the travels have taken me through the depths of the southwest deserts and california’s southern end, and the need to communicate has brought me down from the mountain into town (a two hour drive on one-lane, ratty roads that covers only 24 miles and tests the brakes and transmissions in any vehicle willing to give it a shot).

perhaps some email, then a return to writing upon an adjustment to the flat concrete of visalia, ca.

three hours out from the mountain valley that will be home for the next three months and i’m already missing it…