there’s the thought, as i sit floating around on the internet, the thought that is always at the forefront of my mind. the thought of an answer. the thought of needing to know.

i wish that there were a way to ease my rational mind’s hold over my body on some days. my heart is fine without an answer - it knows inherently that life unfolds in the time and space that it needs - that life is an answer. my head, however, cannot let things just be. more often than not my brain requests that i beat it senseless in the pursuit of some clarity that never existed in the first place.

so i sit in front of the computer screen contemplating. i’ve run out of political news sites to ponder, have plowed through my friends’ writings online, don’t have any new email and am too tired (and in the wrong mood) to reply to any - i’ve basically run out of ways to waste my time. i could go watch t.v. but some part of me knows that’s an escape extreme, one that i can lose days too. at least when i run out of internet (happens awfully fast these days) i become aware of the fact that i’m escaping from something and i can muster up the courage to leave the blue glow of the screen behind. that, or at least start using the damn computer as a creative tool instead of as a drug.

before that happens, though (the courage thing), i end up spending a few minutes with my fingers hovering over the keyboard, half typing, half not. stuck in the folds of my fingerprints lies a half-formed thought, the want to type just one more ‘www’ into the address bar, one more internet location before i let go. and i try. first www.losthobotravellers.com, then www.doesananswerexist.com, or the favorite - www.whatthe$%&*amidoing.com…

but there aren’t answers to be had at any of those websites, just “error 404 - page not found” messages. it’s too bad - the internet seems as if it carries the mystique of religious prophecy. that if you stare long enough, type enough addresses, and trigger the right searches you’ll come across enlightenment, god, or at least someone with more answers than you.

enlightenment might be there hidden in the digital bits but if it is it will be found in the zen of the lacking answer, the missing path. god might well be there too but why bother searching on the internet when you can simply turn over a rock or watch a sunset. and someone with more answers? just different perspectives and you’re that much more disconnected from them because you’re only looking at words on a screen. which, by the by, is all that you are doing…

my fingers have floated over the keyboard long enough and no matter how many addresses i type the internet is still dead. i’ve come to a solution, though. it involves a friend, a walk, a smile, a laugh, trees, soil under my toes, sand, a lake, a breeze, the scent of fresh evergreen growth, the touch of a spring drizzle, the perfume of a former lover, the smirk that your best friend looks at you with even though she can’t see you as you try to explain this to her over the phone, creation, a drawing, a random act of sculpture, a random act of kindness, dreams, sleepy mornings on the beach, good music, some travel, a candle, nag champa, old letters, new letters, old pictures, new pictures, a sauna, a song about scatterbrains, a comfortable pillow, great sleep, countless things i’ll fail to name, nameless things i’ll never understand, a sunrise, a moonrise, and a deep, deep breath.

it involves a power switch.