I’ve been speculating, as the summer season progresses, what sort of lessons that my upcoming winter will challenge me with; been dreaming of what might come to pass. What has become apparent to me is that I may be learning to hold back a portion of myself I seldom do not these days.

I live my life on my sleeve, emotionally, situationally, and physically. I keep few secrets (regarding self) and am open to discussing nearly every thing I encounter, am, and nearly every one that I know. There is great joy that I find in pondering over a person, situation, or thing, wondering out loud with others about the core of a thing, it’s purpose or pursuit. I often speak freely of those I care about, those I fall for, those I’ve been with. I hold curiosity and care in my mind when I am critiquing another person - not disdain or ill-will.

Others, however, may not see the world from the same perspective as I.

As we enter into winter, we prepare to spend eight months with sixty-odd (in number and in personality!) fellow folk. We will converse, play, laugh, annoy, anger, disgust, please, disturb, and love each other without escape. Small things misinterpreted may grow and distort over time, rendering friendships in new light, pulling together and pulling apart beneath our months-long night.

I see myself, in the way that I lead my life now, as potentially injuring someone with words not meant to do so. I’m uncertain if that will be the case at all, but am interested to know if I can live my life and thought more internal than currently. If I can back off a touch and hold my curiosity within my head, my journal, or a more limited group of confidants…

At the least, I am interested to know if I can do this and maintain my current level of bouyancy and comfort, or if, in sacrificing external expression and discussion, I find myself more exhausted.

My first summer season in Antarctica tested me in that way, as did my first season as a Conservation Corps crew leader. I’ve had a difficult path since then, and let go (inadvertently) of the lessons I learned several years ago. Whether I can resurrect them or not remains to be seen.

Time and the development of my winter season friendships and relationships with others will tell the story.